Before Toastmasters - How I came to fear speaking

Dear reader/s,

I believe there is always a reason behind every single thing. In my case, my fear of public speaking began when I was sixteen. Yes... 

16

At the age sixteen, while I tried to recite a speech from a text/ reference book for an oral test (because I was too lazy to craft one & didn't know how to write a fabulous one), I suffered the greatest shock of my life. 

After my speech, my English teacher, in a lowered voice warned me to 'stop kicking her'. 

In my head, I was like, 'How could I be kicking her? I'm sitting down, for God's sake."

Then, I looked down at my legs and found that ... my legs were indeed trembling. Specifically, my knees, really were ... shaking. So, I replied, 'I'm sorry' and left the chair. 

This experience, occurred because as  I was sitting closely to her to while giving my speech, she suddenly screamed to my classmates to, 'Keep Quiet!', then giving them a short lecture to be fair to the people taking the oral test. This made me really nervous, so... at the heat of moment, I forgot the contents of the speech. (BLOW ONE)

Then, after examining the speakers for the day, she forced me to acknowledge my first ever 'C' grade for my English Oral test. Honestly, I had always aced it, so giving me a C was the biggest shock of life. 

(BLOW TWO)

Well, I did manage to improve my grade after my second attempt (fortunately, she wasn't screaming again) but I could never, remove my fear of that incident happening again, while I give my speech.

So, there. It's all out in the open, why I'm that afraid to speak to older people. 

= D 

Lesson learnt from my own experience, don't scream in front of other people when they're trying to tell you something, you'll give them a shock of their life. 

Project Paper Aftermath

The last break was a little heartbreaking for me... so here's a short summary of it.

THE PROBLEM

During the past Semester break holidays, I had one of my greatest heartbreaks. My project paper didn't do as well as I had hoped for after all the blood and sweat I went through. After all, I put in so much effort in the past year, I interviewed people, read many articles and wrote what I think was relevant and pertinent. So, basically I was upset because I didn't know what went wrong with my paper. I definitely find it puzzling to receive that mark when my lecturer said, 'you're done and okay with your project paper. You are ready to hand it in.' That said, am I supposed to just accept my pitiful fate as it is, without knowing what had went wrong, or how could I have done better. After all, when you receive a bad mark, it's obvious that the evaluator/ marker wants you to know that, "something is wrong, somewhere. Please find out what is wrong to improve yourself".

When a door closes, open ANOTHER door. 

FIND THE SOURCE OF THE PROBLEM

That said, finding an answer to this problem was a little difficult. I tried with my supervisor (rather busy *maybe reluctant) but he couldn't spare me the time/ answer in detail (only brief comments that just said I was not up to his expectations). But I did not lose hope, and managed to find another kind lecturer to go over my paper. She's Puan Maimuna Merican. She looked over my project paper and started going over each page critically (questioning me on my choice of title, objectives, scope) and soon I realized, I was really lacking in certain areas. Realizing that, I could come to terms to the result of my problem. Then, she made me realize how important it was for me to link my material facts and evidence adequately to show how they're connected (mindmapping/ diagrams), and she reminded me what I should do, 'be passionate about what you're doing'.

This struck me because I was sure, for I wasn't that passionate about taking my law degree nor was I passionate about the project paper, but I was passionate about the work I do (thus, the heartbreak I felt since I could do nothing to rectify a poor work done). For this strong reminder cum advice, "Thank you Puan Maimuna Merican".

THE NEXT STEP AFTER THE PROBLEM

I believe this step is the next most important step towards rectifying a problem, which is to learn from the problem. This is to ensure that we do not repeat the same problem again. Hence, knowing that I lacked so much in the paper, should I redo the paper (to show I've gotten a little smarter) or just get over it and do something else?

Honestly, I had mixed feelings about this. Wasn't sure what to do, what to expect. But thankfully, I met up with Datin Grace Xavier, 'Get Over It!' she says. I should, and I'll try. After all, it's no use crying over spilt milk, what's in the past is in the past. That said, it's easier said then done right? Coming from me, who has spent the past two months trying to get over this, so I asked her how. She said, 'Be with your friends. Join some activities. Concentrate on the subjects you have at hand.' What I wanted you, a student, to know when you wrote a project paper were it's procedures to conduct a research. If you pass it, it just shows me, your lecturer, you  know how to conduct a research. It's not something incredibly ground breaking if you aced this. That said, if you scored a C for your Jurisprudence paper, I'd want you to retake it. With that... I received my second enlightenment/ realization.

REALIZATION
I was reminded that school was a place for me to get my foundations, right. The main principles/ issues for a certain subject matter. If you can't get it, you should go back to get it right. Only then, when you get on with life, would I be able to find the answer to the problems (extended from the main problem) I faced.

Hence, I realized, she's right. Why waste time on matters that aren't important?

If I have the time, spend it better on more important things.

For all the above advice, thank you.
Sincerely